Whats It's Really Like to Lose a Friend To Suicide

Ciara's Facebook profile photo

This is so long over due. I should have written about this a long time but I just haven't been able to. I've wrote rough drafts of this, got half way through and trashed them. Its been almost three years since my friend Ciara took her own life. Even now I keep pausing, unsure of how to start this so I guess I will start at the beginning

Profile photo from the Facebook page "The Ciara Foundation" started by her Uncle a few years after her passing

I started working at RDI after I moved to the city. RDI is a small telemarketing firm that does both inbound and outbound calling. I met Ciara when I got moved to the DPL program.  The first I thing I noticed about her was pretty she was. She had pale skin, dark hair and I think she had on red lipstick at the time. We hit it off after we were talking about out favorite movies. She was the first person that I had met who knew what "The Last Unicorn"  We use to have "Turnt Up Tuesday" to help us drive our sales. Ciara use to it say it as "We are turning upwards" she had a hand motion with it to. On heavy call days she would take/give calls in a perfect British accent. She use to sing "Just keep swimming " from Finding Nemo. We had talked about about the mental problems that we had. I was struggling with a dead end relationship that was failing. She had things going on as well(I'd rather not get into it because I still won't betray her trust.) The only time I ever saw this was once. It was winter and she had just gotten into a fight with someone she cared about. She logged off her computer and ran outside into the cold. I followed after her and did my best to calm her down. She smoked her L&M's and I  was able to go back inside with her. She was always late to work on Saturday mornings. I am not going to pretend that we were best friends, that we were super close. Because sadly, we weren't. It was a case of "We need to hang out some time!" only 'some time' never came. Shortly after I got moved to another location. I heard that she had quit shortly after. I stopped seeing her user name pop up in my call log. Months passed, the weather got warm, then cold again.

I want to note at this point that its been two days since I started working on this.

A croped group photo. The only photo of us next to each other.

It was around 2pm when my alarm went off. I rolled over and grabbed my phone to check Facebook.  I was barely awake and the first thing I saw was an update from a friend of ours. Her and Ciara had known each other for a while. The photo was from a party. Both of them were making funny faces and smiling. They looked cute and happy. Then I read the words that made my blood run cold and my heart drop to my feet. "RIP Ciara"
What?!
What?!
I climbed over to the computer and logged on to facebook there. Shaking, I opened my inbox and sent "What happened to Ciara?" I wanted it to be a joke but I knew it wasn't. She was gone. I kept hearing her voice in my, my voice in my head. Why didn't I make an effort to see her? Why did I let us fade apart? Why doesn't my phone have her number? Then the details hit me. Suicide. She took her own life. The floor crashed and I was left standing on a black pillar of regret, depression and sadness. I dressed in black that day, not for a fashion statement as normal but for respect and morning. The day was a blur. I remember walking to the bathroom in a dream and hoping that my co-workers didn't hear my crying through the thin walls. As the normal I got home late because of work.

My relationship was already failing. I had to put my beloved dog to sleep a few months before. The dark shadows in the house seemed darker.  I took my phone and alcohol into the garage. I looked through her facebook, learning about her from her more loyal friends. Someone had posted the song "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers and that it was her favorite. It wasn't until I listened to it alone in that cold, concrete, garage the I understood what it meant . It was then that I realized that everything around me was empty. I was alone in my relationship, I was alone in this city and I was alone in my grief. I think I sat there for half an hour before any one found me. I drank too much and felt sick the next morning.

Her memorial was on a Friday. It was strange. I had never been to one before. My friends from my old work place were there. We spent most of the time outside. There was food but I don't remember if I ate anything or not. A man I had never seen before stepped up. He was a preacher and he openly admitted that he didn't know Ciara well. I respected that. He didn't try to pretend. We said a prayer. I don't remember what all he said.  But I remember him saying "Would anyone like to come up and share memories about Ciara?" The room went silent. No one said a word. "I will" I heard my own voice say. My footsteps broke the silence. For the first time in three days my empty darkness was replaced with fire. I had one story to tell that could comfort an entire room of people and I could not stay silent about it. I don't remember word for word what I said but It was something along the lines of this.

"My name's Aliee and I worked with Ciara at RDI. She helped me a lot when my fiance(Note: at the time he was my fiance, we have split up since this and I'm now happily married) had his open heart surgery. Back in September I had to put my dog, Weinie Girl, to sleep. I have her paw prints on my arm. A few nights ago I had a dream. And Ciara and Weinie Girl were in it. And Ciara she was just sitting there playing on her phone and Wenie girl was next to her. I just feel like maybe it was her, telling me that she was okay and in a better place and that maybe it was her way of saying good bye" That's not word for word but that's the best I remember. The sofa she was sitting on was green. It was a party and she looked bored and sucked into her phone. I ran from the front of the room, my running foot steps were followed by crying and clapping. I don't remember the rest of the night but I remember feeling like she was there in the shadows, watching and listening to us. I felt like she watched that ugly, green Camero pull unto the road. I don't remember what was on the radio but it made me feel better, and finally I wasn't numb any more

Shortly after her death I ended my relationship and moved home. Sometimes it feels like another life, but not her. I still carry her with me. I still cant talk about her. I still cry. I still miss her. I still feel like that maybe if I had an effort to be her friend, if I hadn't let my life and my problems get in the way that maybe I could have saved her. But I try not to think about that. I try to remember her voice, her smile, the way her eyes would glow. I try to remember not her death but her life. But I still cry when "One Headlight" comes over the radio at work. I don't think I will ever move on from her but it has gotten easier with time. You never move on completely when you lose a friend like this. One thing I didn't mention, I saved this for last for a reason. When I was transferred to a new location my job was to pull the outbound calls and make sure the agents were doing their jobs right. I could play with the time/date settings and pull calls from YEARS ago, long as I knew their user name. Her's was easy. I sat at my desk so many times, wanting to pull a call, just to hear her voice. I even pulled a call up, just to see if I could but I never hit play. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I wanted to leave the past in the past. Maybe it was because I knew it would only hurt. Maybe it was because I was scared it wouldn't hurt. I'm not sure. On my last day with the company I knew it was going to be my last chance to really hear her voice. But I didn't. I cleaned my desk out, threw all my useless paper work away, grabbed my things and left. I left those old, dusty recordings rest. I let her rest.