How I Became Like My Teenage Idol

Nailed it

I was 12, almost 13 when I first listened to Evanescence and I fell face first into being a massive fangirl.  My Mum had liked the song "Bring Me To Life" and had the "Fallen" album. I was listening to mostly pop and country at the time so hearing this was a change. Up until then I had never really listened to female rockstar before. Everything about the Fallen had my little teenager mind hooked. Within a summer I had ruined that album. It skipped, jumped and wouldn't play past track fivw. That was the same summer that "Call Me When You're Sober" came out. I waited by the radio for hours to be able to hear it for the first time. I already knew the lyrics and could almost sing along the song first time I heard it. For my birthday I got a new copy of the Fallen album and waited for the next album to come out.

This poster was on my bedroom wall for years.

It was early October when "The Open Door" came out. Not only did I know all the words to every song so did everyone in the house because I listened to that album for months. It was around 13 that I started to have issues with depression and self harm. There was a lot changing in my life and it left me feeling alone. I felt like no one really understood what I was going through. No one but Amy Lee. The dark lyrics were comforting. They didn't make me worse, they made me feel better. Someone, at least one person, knew what I was feeling. It wasn't just her music but the fashion as well. Amy Lee looked so cool. I started stepping into the goth subculture and loved every bit of it. I still credit Evanescence for my style of dressing to this day. My friends envied me for my T-shirts, CDs and seemingly endless knowledge of Evanescence. I was a very lucky(and very spoiled) child. Now a days the Rock On The Range music festival is a very well known event. It last an entire weekend with over 100 bands performing. I've only ever been there once and that one time I got to see Evanescence.

My favorite photo of me from Rock On The Range. I remember using my friends phone and sending it to everyone

My Grammy got the tickets and let me bring a friend. The event was in Columbus and we decided to get a hotel for night. I don't remember sleeping very well but I remember not caring. We ended up being late to the show because I wanted to make a Myspace page but I wasn't too upset. I had never heard of Breaking Benjamin so who cares that we missed them(two weeks later I heard "Diary of Jane" and I've been kicking my self in the ass since then). I had a custom hoodie that I had made and a bracelet that my friend Chelsea let me wear. We were in the very back section of the stadium. We were beyond nose bleed seats but I didn't care. I still screamed my head off, hoping that Amy could hear me. In the middle of my screaming someone tapped me on the shoulder. A young couple(but older than me) handed me a red bracelet and said "You wanna see them closer?" The bracelet was a pass to get onto the floor and were sold out by the time we got there. Someone must have looking out for me because I fit that paper bracelet on and ran down steep, stadium steps in three inch combat boots without falling. Even with the bracelet I couldn't get super close but it was like a dream. I was sharing the same air, the same presence as this amazing woman that I looked up to. I was crying and sobbing and clutching my inhaler when I called my Mum to tell her what had happened. Shortly after that, Amy Lee got married and the music stopped. The Open Door was the last album for many years. That didn't bother me. Around 16, 17 I discovered all of the underground songs. Things from Evanescence's very early days. It was darker, deeper and better than almost anything they have put out to date. It was more than enough to tide me over until the self titled album came out in 2011.

A promotional photo from the self titled album. I did not have a poster of this but I wanted one.

By that time I was 18 and had started my first job. A lot had changed but I was still a kid. With one of my first paychecks I bought the deluxe version of the album that come with a bonus DVD and two bonus tracks. I will be honest. It was no "The Open Door" with a more mainstream sound I found myself a little disappointed but over all it was still a really good album. The lyrics still had meaning even if the music wasn't as dark. It didn't have the same effect on me as "The Open Door" but it still gave me hope. Sadly for the band the self titled era was plagued with misfortune.  Evanescence  sued their former record label and most of the band members left. Amy also sued a member of the company for sexual harassment. Amy announced that she and her husband were expecting their first child shortly after. It wasn't surprising that she stepped away from band life and fully embraced motherhood.
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Left: Around 2014. I wasn't happy and it shows. Right: The day I found out I was pregnant. Even without smiling I think everyone can agree that I look much happier in the second photo

In this time, I grew up but I still turned to Evanescence and I found that I understood the songs even better since I was older. I knew what it was like to feel trapped, stuck and massively depressed. Without my permission the tables had turned. No longer did I feel like she understood my pain, I understood hers. The true meaning, the undertones, everything in her music became more clear to me. When you grow up, it happens all at once around you. You don't notice whats going on until one day it hits you like a truck. I'm not a teenager anymore. I made the choice to give up on unreachable goals. The chance of me being just like my idol was impossible. I didn't have the money, the connections. This was hard at first. I felt empty for a long time. I think that's normal. Everyone gets to a point where its time to give up childish dreams and set real goals for yourself. Being a famous singer sounds like fun but its not a reality that is easy to get. I spent years trying to figure out and answer the one question that so many people struggle with. What do I do with my life? I knew that I was more than just and inventory worker, a telemarketer. I discovered that I wanted to help people, to make the world a better place. I started a campaign for suicide and mental health awareness but after working on it for a few years it had to take a back seat to real life. I was married, we had a house, a dogs, couple of cats so whats next? With no warning I start thinking about babies. What would it be like to be a mother? I stopped cringing at the screaming kids that would come through my line at work and I started wondering, what if that was me? What if that was us? Pregnancy didn't seem so scary. The thought of gaining weight, heart burn and morning sickness stopped bothering me. I wanted to change the world, I wanted to make the world a better place. I wanted my husband to be a father. I wanted a family. Despite everything I knew about babies, crying, screaming, blow out diapers. I didn't care anymore. My dreams changed. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I wanted to be a mother. After seven months of trying, we finally got our wish.

The cover of her kids album. Its really cute

While we were trying for a baby Amy Lee went out on her own. She released a few cover songs and to everyone's surprise a kids album. It was so strange to hear this woman who had sung about suicidal thoughts and depression sing about donkeys and chickens. I was in the car when I first saw the video for her new single "Speak To Me" the video is all about her son and had me in complete tears(we didn't know we were having a boy at that time.) Her is a woman whose music gave me strength and hope when I was teenager. Someone who went from singing about their own darkness to singing about rubber duckies. Just like me. Just like the realization of growing up, something else hit me.

Me, six months pregnant and my husband. Our version of "living the dream"

I did it. I had become like the famous person that I lusted after in high school. Sure, I'm not famous. Not everyone knows my name(thank the Gods) but when you look at it in its simplest form. We both went through dark times, rose above it and started families. Even after I had given up ever becoming a singer, just by growing up and living my life I met the goal that I set for myself at 13. I can't explain the feeling of joy that gives me. Most people never get to live the dream they set for themselves. I was so obsessed with Evanescence and Amy Lee that mine was simple. "I want to be just like her when I grow up." It was such an open ended goal that within noticing I did it. How many of you told yourself that same thing? How many of you felt heart broken when you had to give that up? Probably more of you than what you would like to admit. Look around, look at your own life. You might have met that goal without even noticing. Maybe you didn't. In the end it doesn't matter. You don't have to become like your teenage obsession to be happy. We are told to follow our dreams no matter what and when we have to dream new dreams its crushing. Don't dream new dreams. Change your dreams. You don't have to start fro square one. You just have to redefine what "living the dream" means to you. At 13 that meant being a famous rockstar and having six millions fans and being just like my idol. Now at 23, that means being a wife and a mother and being like my own mother. In the self titled album one of the bonus tracks has a song called "New Way To Bleed". The lyrics in the chorus say this: "I feel it coming over me/I'm still a slave to these dreams/ Is this the end of everything?/Or just a new way to bleed?" I use to think that a negative thing. I first thought that by saying "new way to bleed" was about suffering and being forced to give up on something. But I see now how wrong I was. Yes, my dreams of being a rockstar have ended.   Everything ended in a way but in that end I found something new. I found a new passion, "a new way to bleed" in more ways than one. When I think of Evanescence and Amy Lee I can tell that by her new music that she is truly happy, as am I .