The Morning After-Thoughts On Chester Bennington's Suicide

I wasn't feeling like myself this morning. I was up late last night with your normal "Holy shit I'm 8 months pregnant" anxiety, worrying about things like labor and delivery. This, of course left me drained and feeling pretty awful. I was pregnant tired, I was mentally tired and decided to spend the afternoon asleep on the sofa with my kittens and my small little Chihuahua. I woke up around 2p.m and didn't feel any better. I canceled a visit with a friend and drug myself in to the kitchen to make food. I sat back down with my food, being careful not to disturbed little Cass as he slept, a small green light on my phone said that I had a message. I had more than one, all of them from my Mum. The first one was a photo of her new tattoo. The second message was a question. "Did you hear about Chester Bennington?" No, I've been asleep all day. She sent back one of those huge, crying emojis and said, "I'm sitting in here in tears. He had kids. Suicide." I've been crying off and on for an hour

He is survived by his wife and children

I've been very open about mine and my family history with suicide. We lost my Uncle when I was 13 and my friend Ciara died by suicide three years ago. Its not something you ever get over, its not something you ever move on from. You just learn to live without that person. I know the hell that Chester's family will be going through. Once you've been effected by suicide, hearing about someone committing suicide brings all of that back. All of those feelings that you've learned to ignored come boiling back up like a thick, black, lava. Some times its only for a moment, you swallow it back down and go on about your day. You say a silent prayer for the family and you spend the rest of the day with hot lava burning your inside. But when its someone that you've made a connection with, someone whose passion has effect your life, you can't push that lava down. It spills out all over the floor, leaving you in a hot, burning mess. Because your aren't just feeling for one person. Its about all of them. The person is now gone and the ones who have been gone. Its a domino effect in your brain that only those who have lost the same as you understand.

A full photo of the band

 I was born in 1993, because of this I don't remember hearing my first Linkin Park song. I just remember growing up always hearing the band on the radio. I started listening to them around the time "Minutes To Midnight" came out. I still do a a terrible white girl rap along with "Bleed It Out" I've never been shy to say that music has always effect me deeply. Linkin Park was no different. I didn't get hardcore obsessed with them like I did other bands but I still loved them. I'm grew up listening to both their lighter music and their more hardcore songs from the 90's and early 2000's. Linkin Park was a band that all my friends like. They were a band that no matter who you were you liked. Everyone had "their" Linkin Park song and I think that was one thing that made the band so amazing. Over the last few years Linkin Park did go (for lack of a better word) more mainstream but even if you didn't agree with that musical direction no one can deny the impact of the band. How many of us went through our emo phase and sung to along to "Numb?" Just last week on the way to a doctor's appointment I was singing "Somewhere I Belong" in the car. That's another thing about Linkin Park. As I got older more of their songs had a deeper meaning. I grew and understood what the song were really about. Two songs that always stand out in my mind are not Linkin Park songs but songs that Chester Bennington did on his own. "System" was featured on the Queen Of The Damned soundtrack. The entire soundtrack is pure gold but that song was always my favorite because of his raw, screaming vocals. The other was featured on the Underworld: Evolution soundtrack and was called "Morning After". At the time I didn't fully understand the lyrics but I do now. In short the song is about being in pain and wanting to sleep until the pain is gone. After today I don't think I'll ever look at that song the same ever again.

This is the aftermath. Ten years,three years, two hours. This is the morning after.

 Its been ten years since my Uncle, three since Ciara and hearing about Chester Bennington had reduced to me this. This is what it looks like when you commit suicide. Ten years, three years or just half an hour later.This is what it looks like for those you leave behind. Its not a pain that ever goes away. Its passing pain on to another person. I tried to explain my connection to Linkin Park but I'm so shock up right now that I can't do into detail like what I would like. I can't. It just hurts too much. With me being so close to my due date I can't afford to let myself get too upset. When you are suicidal, nothing around you matters. No body matters because no body cares. Everything is grey and made of much. With every step you sink into the ground further and no one can see it. At least, that's what it feels like. But people do see it. People want to help, people care about you. People love you.  When you commit suicide there is no morning after. There is no waking up, for anyone. Suicide never just destroys one person, it destroys entire families. It leaves an atomic bomb aftermath in its wake with aftershocks and fallout that can be felt for generations. Please, if you're suicidal ask for help. People love you. People care about you. People want you to go on. People need you. With hope their always a light, always a morning after.